yodi. sixteen and uh um yeah my thoughts are here. This is my second blog.

Travis broke up with me eight days after we began to date. Reason being it wasn’t “practical” for him. That is such bullshit. I said so myself before we even began to date that it wasn’t practical but no, he said to take a risk. I did. Now, look what happened. A good friendship gone horrible. He makes me out to be the bad guy simply because I didn’t act like I cared about him because I didn’t text him first. Like holy shit, that’s all you fucking say I did wrong. Can we talk about the things he did wrong? He kept wanting to talk about my feelings, to write them out as a fucking essay, analyzing every single reason why I didn’t want to go out with him or why I liked Adam and Carlos. Or how he made me feel like shit? Or how after the break up I told him that he texting me and was making me have serious anxiety attacks he did not give a single fuck. He tried being friends but at the end he changed his mind. I didn’t feel awkward he did. If he wants to be friends I’m completely fine with that but he can’t say he wants to be friends then say, “I feel weird texting you” then just completely stop. If he feels that way then stop contacting me. Go text Kaityln for all I care. You two seem great friends after you two ended. So why can’t we? I’ll never know I guess. Whatever.    

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okay, so.

Monday night I became the middle man. My friends wanted to make a deal with my other friend, Carlos, on Monday night. So we told my parents that we were going to my friends house when in reality we were going to Carlos’s  house. I was nervous and anxiety was starting to reach at it’s high. I didn’t bring my license with me given that I was just going to tell him where he lived, neither did my friend who was driving so I was panicking thinking we were going to get pulled over. Luckily, I calmed down and no cops were around. Although the nerves weren’t completely gone because I haven’t seen nor heard Carlos since school let out which is about two months so my thoughts were going wild. Finally we had arrived at his house and when he came out I was surprised my heart didn’t race. Instead it went to down my stomach. His hair didn’t have gel, he was wearing a t-shirt, gym shorts, walking barefoot. I was decided that since he hadn’t made any effort in communicating with me that I’d would be cold. He said hey and opened his arms for a hug, I didn’t immediately hug him until he was one step away from me. All of us were talking for a few minutes, when I turned to look at Carlos he was stretching, his shirt had lifted up enough to see that was wearing brief boxers which were below his hip bone. I immediately looked away knowing I would continue to stare if I didn’t. Then as we were saying bye, he hugged me again and said that he wasn’t working Friday so maybe we could hang out. I agreed with the plan. Then as I opened the car door I told him, “but you could go to the movies with Andrea?” he laughed and said, “that’s a different story.” 

I hate that I suddenly thought about him all over him again. I was doing fine, forgetting him in a way. Not in the sense that “oh I need to forget him to move on” but in the “he’s my friend and if that’s the way I can keep in my life I’ll just have to keep my feelings to myself.” 

I just hope this Friday he doesn’t come. I want him to. I just rather he doesn’t because I know I’m not as important to him. 

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I’m really hoping that you see through all of the bullshit she’s pulling off. She might love you all you want but this is all a game to her and honestly, I think she’s having fun with it. I might be wrong. I might be assuming. I might be just letting my feelings I have for you blind me but….I’m saying what my gut feels. She can’t’ just as easily move on from one guy to to another. It’s not possible. Or might it. I don’t know. What I do know is that you deserve way better than this shit she’s making you go through. Giving mixed signals, hanging with different guys, the pregnancy, the favor she asked, it’s just a whole lot of bullshit. What kind of girl breaks up with a guy, gets involved with another guy weeks after the break up, has a relationship with the guy, break up with him, then hang out with two different guys? A slut. That’s what she’s making herself seem. She shouldn’t also let the feelings of her family decide who she dates. You said that she should choose herself. If she really did love you as much as she says she does, she shouldn’t have to contemplate the choices of guys she has. She shouldn’t. She should come to the realization that she loves you and wants to be with you. She shouldn’t make you depressed as you have been, not the way she made you depressed that is. She shouldn’t change her mind about you everyday. How can she say, “I love you but I’m not happy with you” one day then say “I love you, I want to be with you” the other? She just needs to make up her mind. You deserve a girl, who loves you, who will stick with you through the “shit” you’re going through, who you can be yourself with, who will make you feel like the luckiest guy on earth, you deserve so much better. I’m not saying that that girl is me. I might be or might not. What I am saying is, I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You’ve gone far too long being depressed. With all of this, it’s just gotten worse. I just really hope this gets sorted out as soon as possible so I can see you happy. I love you and I just want to the best for you. That’s all. 

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I want you back. I can’t handle this bullshit anymore. I can’t handle liking a guy and expecting them to be like you and end up getting hurt. I just can’t. Baby, I miss you. I want you back. I need you back. I miss you more everyday. why aren’t you back? be back, please. I promise I’ll love you. I promise that I’ll be the best girlfriend and bestfriend you’ll ever have. come back.

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it’s time like these that I wish you were with me. hugging me, rocking me like a baby while I cried. telling me that you love me and that everything will be okay. kissing me, trying to make me feel better. god….I miss you. I just want you back, babe. I just want you back.

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whenever I’m in a good or okay mood you tend to ruin it….thanks

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the thanksgiving break and skipping school today made actually think of dropping out of school. I loved not having anything to do during the days. I just loved hanging around the house, sleeping in, it was amazing. I dreaded of the thought of going back to HCHS, seeing the same people again, seeing the disappointment in my teachers eyes, I just couldn’t. I wish I could enroll in a different school if that’s possible but I can’t think of anywhere else to be but HCHS. Man….

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Okay this is sad. I forgot what I learned in discrete math. Fucking great. Fuck it, I’m just not going to school today. Ugh.

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This morning.

So I decided to skip the first two periods of school today. I’m still home. My phone woke me up, my aunt was calling. She passed the phone to my mother and she wanted me to wake up and go help her out at my brothers school. We said goodbye and that I’d be there a bit. I got out of the bed, took out a pair of jeans and undressed myself. At that moment I realized that the door to my room was completely open and I stopped myself then I realized that I was home alone….so that means I don’t have to worry about seeing half of my body naked. I quickly pulled the jeans on despite of it. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with my body. Not even when I’m completely alone…..

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Our school had an early release and we departed from school at eleven twenty five. I merely excited for the simple fact that I was going to be school free for the next five days, holy shit. And also that I was going to hang out with Carlos. I was also hoping that I’d get the chance to see Adam again but sadly enough that didn’t happen. I kept asking: why isn’t he here? is he still in that rehab school? did they not think it was a good idea to send him back home risking that he’d relapse? I was so heart broken that I didn’t get to see him, not even a phone call. But I’ll collaborate on him in another post. This about Carlos. (lol) I thought I was going to see Josie and Brandy that same day also but my mother said not to, so I didn’t but I did go and pick up Carlos to come hang out at my house. Now she did she anything about that? No. No harm done. But once I got home and took a shower and that my cousin was home that it was time to go pick him up. I told my cousin that I’d be back before the boys bus came and if my mother called to tell her that I was doing something for school and that I’d be home in thirty minutes. She said okay and I left. My brother wasn’t home so I tried calling him, he didn’t answer. I shrugged it off and went on my way to Carlos’s house. While I was in school I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, what I was wearing at that current moment was sweat pants and a t-shirt. Why not dress down even more? haha. 

Once I parked into his driveway, he didn’t immediately come out as usual. So I got out of the car and texted him “I’m here!” I rang the door bell and I heard him, his sister, and his brother. I forgot who opened the door lol, I think it was maybe him? But his mom came out of her bedroom with some cash in her hand, she saw me, I greeted her, “Good afternoon!” in Spanish. We smiled at each other and greeted me as well, “Come on in!” I was still in front of the door looking inside when we greeted each other. I walked in, Carlos was in his room and came into the living room, “I’m waiting for him to give me back my phone” he motioned to his brother. Him and his mother were discussing money and then he kissed her goodbye. She said, “Behave,son, behave! I don’t want you fooling around!” He said, “Yeah, yeah, I know.” I laughed. She asked him,”No jacket?!” He responded, “Tsssk, nah. I’m good.” His mother and I laughed and I said, “They never understand!” She agreed with me and we left. I said to him, “You’re mom cares a lot about you. She’s just like my mom, they take five or ten minutes extra to say bye when we’re going out.”  He said, “Yeah, she takes forever!” We got into the car and headed back to my house. As I pulled in into my neighbor hood, I told him, “We’re gonna have to chill here for a few minutes because my brother and cousin’s bus is about to come.” He said it was cool and we just talked about police, weed and beer. Once the boys arrived we went to the house. Just when I was passing by some houses, my brother showed up. “Speed up!” Carlos said. I said, “Nah, he’ll get pretty pissy if I did.” So we finally went to the house. Once everyone was in, I decided to serve lunch,that’s where Ervin’s friends decided to come to the house. They stayed outside giving Ervin’s dog a bath. Inside, Carlos was just walking around the kitchen talking to me. Once I was done, everyone was inside. I was getting highly annoyed with everyone in the house, yes everyone, including Carlos. The friends were acting like total idiots, no surprise there. Ervin was doing nothing about it. And Carlos acted if he part of their group, um I thought we were supposed to hang out, not we and everybody else. I’m a possessive person. So I just sucked it up and sat in the living room with them. A romance comedy movie came one. You know one of those that has a piece of another movie or event in the movie putting as one? Yeah that’s what was playing. So I sat on the couch beside my brother, and I told Carlos to sit. “I am sitting.” I looked at him and motioned for him to sit next to me. Throughout half way into the intro of the movie Ervin’s left and he moved to the other couch. More room for us. I don’t remember exactly when but he left to go to his friends. So it was just Carlos and I for the rest of day.

During that time I swear I like him all over again. It was just….(sigh) I dunno. Just how natural and comfortable we were or maybe it was just me but I loved it. The best part was that he told me things that he hasn’t told anyone and touching him every so once in a while was pretty great. Especially when I asked him if I could hold his hand. He asked why. I said, “Cause I’m cold.” And we held hands. It was great and it wasn’t “omg omg omg, I’m holding his hand.” (okay maybe a bit) it was a “I like holding his hand. It’s nice.” At that time I was getting really sleepy and I awkwardly tried to cuddled with his hand in mine but it didn’t work out too well so I sat up. Then he nonchalantly slipped his hand out of mine after a few minutes. My hand felt weird, I guess because it missed having someone’s hand to hold after a year of not holding Adam’s and holding Carlos’s was comfortable. I was cuddled beside Carlos and I feel asleep for about five minutes and woke up. Carlos then said that he had to go home. He’d been at my house for at least three hours. Once my brother got home, we headed back to his place. During the ride there I kept thinking weather or not to ask him a question. Finally I said, “Carlos, I have a question to ask you. I don’t care what you’re answer is (yes I do) but I’d just like to know…..” he waited, “do you think I’m pretty?” He answered, “How do you mean pretty? Like physically or inside-” I cut him off and said, “Physically.” He said, “Yeah, you’re pretty.” He basically said that my hair is what makes me pretty. “I’ve never seen a girl with hair like yours.” Then I asked if he found me attractive, he kept asking what kind, I just decided to ignore the question and I didn’t answer him and he didn’t answer me. Then once we arrived at his place, he hugged me. Whenever he hugs me like this, my face always ends up in his collar bone, my arms are wrapped above his waist and his arms are either wrapped around my shoulder blades, or a bit lower than that. He doesn’t let go for about thirty seconds which to me seems like forever. And hug each other tighter. I love it. 

I just really hang out with him again. Perhaps next time we can cuddle and become “cuddle buddies”. That’s all I want right now, some one to cuddle with, hug and hold hands. I don’t want a relationship because I’m still waiting on Adam, believe it or not.  But if came down to it, I would date Carlos if he shares the same feelings as I do. 

I’d still chose Adam, though. 

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